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一家三口从美国中部搬到了西部的加州,要适应其中的变化也真不容易。妹妹Bianca外向、活泼可爱,总是想方设法让自己变成学校里的小明星;姐姐Kat则愤世嫉俗,处处与别人作对,有点像怪物。于是,两姐妹的矛盾可想而知。该剧正是围绕这对小姐妹展开的。
Anxious VS Harsh
(On the way to school on the first day, Bianca was touching on her makeup.)
Kat: We’re headed to high school, not the Academy Awards.
Bianca: You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Kat: Please, we’re talking about teenagers that are impressed by shiny objects.
Bianca: Thus my earrings.
Kat: You could just try being yourself.
Bianca: Spoken like a true unpopular person.
Kat: Hmmm.
Bianca: That never works. Using 1)exhaustive Facebook research, I’ve identified the most popular girl at school. I then deconstructed her profile and used that data to carefully plot out our first encounter so as to easily befriend and 2)beguile her.
Kat: Beguile? Big word, Shakespeare!
(At dinner table)
Bianca: You’ve ruined my chances at being popular!
Kat: I’m sorry, but that girl sucks! She’s a teenage Kim Jong-Il!
Bianca: Speak English, you showoff!
Kat: Kim Jong-Il, the dictator of North Korea, Dad!
Bianca: North Korea, so what? I’m talking about our high school where I’m going to become unpopular! My life isn’t worth living.
Kat: Yes, it’s way worse than having bound feet or wearing a 3)burka.
Bianca: English!
Dad: Enough! Bianca, honey, look, I know you’re upset, but Kat’s right…
Bianca: What?
Dad: …sometimes you get a little obsessed with popularity. Just keep things 4)in perspective, that’s all.
(At the breakfast table)
Kat: We’re the world’s last superpower and yet we don’t have universal healthcare.
Dad: Are you talking to me or the Democrats in your head?
Bianca: Dad, have you seen that box of old piano sheet music?
Dad: Uh, no honey, why?
Bianca: Well, since I’m not going to be popular, I guess I’ll join show choir, closeted gay guys are fun.
Dad: She doesn’t seem like herself.
Kat: I know, isn’t it great? Come on, Dad, she’s obsessed with what other people think! Mom would not approve.
Dad: You know, your mother saw Bianca’s ability to fearlessly dive into any social situation as one of her best traits.
Kat: She did?
Dad: She did. She also loved your respect for others and your sense of fairness, which is why I find it strange that someone so passionate about universal healthcare could lack any compassion for her own sister.
Kat: Wow, you’re good.
Dad: No, you’re the one played the dead Mom card, I just served it back.
Goody-goody VS Popularity
(At home)
Dad: Honey, something wrong?
Bianca: I’m in the middle of a major crisis. Chastity thinks I’m a goody-goody, which means soon the whole school will.
Kat: That is a major crisis. Ranks right up there with the global recession and the collapse of the 5)Arctic shelf. Let’s turn on the radio, see if 6)Bono wrote a song about you.
Dad: 7)Sarcasm never helps. You should be proud of yourself, Bianca, a good reputation can take you places in politics, in business, in this house.
Bianca: Dad, we’re in California now, home to medical 8)marijuana, the Kardashians, the panty-less crotch flash. Good girls don’t sit at the popular table.
Kat: Maybe it wouldn’t bother you so much if your self-esteem wasn’t based on what other people think.
Bianca: See that’s why you have no social life. I need to change my image. I’ve narrowed it down to getting a lip 9)stud, dyeing my hair pink, or dressing like a Pussycat Doll.
Dad: No face-piercing, no alternative hair colors, no…what’s a Pussycat Doll?
Kat: They’re multi-hyphenates…strippers who sing.
Dad: Why not tell people you’re a 10)groupie? Or one of those White House interns? Or some idiot who gives birth to a baby at the prom, and they didn’t even know they were pregnant.
Bianca: That is a genius idea, Dad, thanks. I can tell everyone I’ve had a baby! Huh!
Kat: Way to go, Grandpa. Oh, she’s going to hate those pretend stretch-marks.
Dad: Funny.
(At school)
Bianca: I have a big fat favor to ask. Can I lie and say I’m at your house after school?
Student A: If it’s for a good reason.
Bianca: Well, I’m dating this older guy and my dad would 11)freak if he found out.
Student A: How much older is older?
Bianca: Twenty-six. Or maybe 31, it’s hard to tell. He feels weird about the age difference. It’s adorable!
Student A: Wow, the oldest guy I’ve ever been with was my camp counselor.
Bianca: I know what you’re going to say, “Bianca, this can’t go anywhere.” And you’re right, but he’s so hot, and when he blows on my neck I…I, I’ve already said too much. Promise you won’t tell?
Student A: Come on. Bianca, you can totally trust me.
(In classroom)
Student B: Bianca, if I were to buy a book about a girl named Bianca and an older guy, where would I find it, fiction or non-fiction?
Bianca: Oh definitely non-fiction.
Student B: So it’s non-true?
Bianca: No, it’s true.
Student B: Cool, dating older dudes is a textbook supermodel maneuver.
Flower VS Cactus
(At night)
Dad: She’s late for 12)curfew!
Kat: Release the 13)hounds.
Dad: You think that’s funny? Hounds were on my to-do list.
Kat: Dad, relax, she’s at a soccer game. The odds of her being kidnapped and sold into slavery are very slim.
Dad: Thanks for bringing that up. I was just worried she was in a car accident.
Kat: Sorry.
Dad: She’s my little flower.
Kat: If she’s your little flower, what am I?
Dad: You are my big tough cactus.
Kat: Green, spiny, and 14)phallic, that’s great, Dad.
Dad: What I mean is, someone messes with you, you stab ’em. Plus cactuses are never out late on a school night trying to 15)pollinate.
Kat: Our correct name is 16)cacti.
Dad: (To Bianca) Thank god you’re home safe so I can kill you.
(Bianca prepares dinner.)
Bianca: OK, you can peek.
Dad: Bianca, this looks amazing!
Bianca: Shouldn’t we say grace?
Kat: We haven’t said grace since you stopped using your Pocahontas fork.
Bianca: Let us pray. Thank you Lord for this bountiful harvest, and bless the underprivileged and teenage children in new high schools, amen.
Kat: OK, Bianca, what gives?
Dad: Kat, please. OK, Bianca, what gives?
Bianca: Well, Daddy, I’ve been thinking about my faith a lot recently, ever since I met this great group of kids at school. Speaking of which, they invited me to this killer Bible study tonight, can I go?
Kat: And the Oscar goes to…Bianca Stratford for lying to her father!
Bianca: Zip it, Satan! Dad, I’d really hate to miss it, I think tonight I get my purity ring!
Dad: And I think tonight you’ll be home with the purity security.
Kat: Dad, is it OK if I go out? There’s a foreign film festival. I wanted to check out.
Dad: Well, I don’t see why not.
Bianca: That’s it?! When I go out I have to file flight plans with the 17)FAA, but she gets to go out no questions asked?
Dad: Gonna drink?
Kat: No.
Dad: Drugs?
Kat: No.
Dad: Sex?
Kat: Gross.
Dad: (To Bianca) Satisfied?
(Bianca snuck out to a party and gets got.)
Kat: Dad already knew you snuck out, there’s nothing I could do.
Bianca: So we both screw up and I’m the only one that gets screwed? I don’t think so. Dad, there’s something you should know.
Dad: Nah, I’m not in the mood for excuses, Bianca, you need to learn to be more responsible like your sister.
Bianca: You mean my older sister? The one I’m supposed to look up to and 18)emulate? The trustworthy daughter. Would you like to know what little Miss Perfect did tonight? She, she went to a…movie that featured full-frontal 19)nudity.
Dad: It’s not the same as deceiving your father.
Bianca: Fine.
Dad: What am I going to do about her?
Kat: How about 20)cut her some slack? I wouldn’t drive her to that party tonight so she snuck out. She just wanted to have some fun.
Dad: Yeah, but you don’t want to have fun.
Kat: I have fun sometimes.
Dad: Sure, but you go to film festivals and things like that.
Kat: Not always.
Dad: I’m just saying that’s why you’re my trusty dependable cactus. What?
Kat: This is my fake I.D. I went and saw a band play at a seedy club tonight. Plus, I went alone. Horrific things could have happened to me.
Dad: Why are you showing me this?
Kat: Because I don’t want to be a cactus.
印象论
(第一天在上学的路上,比安卡在化妆。)
凯特:我们是去上高中,不是出席奥斯卡颁奖典礼。
比安卡:留下第一印象的机会只有一次。
凯特:拜托了,我们在说的是一群青少年,他们只会被闪闪发亮的东西吸引。
比安卡:所以我戴了耳环。
凯特:你大可以表现真实的自我啊。
比安卡:说话就像个完全没名气的人。
凯特:对。
比安卡:那从来不管用。我在“脸谱”交友网进行了彻底地搜索,查出了学校里最受欢迎的女生。我终于整理出了她的档案,并通过这些精心设计了我们初次见面的场景。这样就能很轻易地成为她的朋友, 并且诱骗她。
凯特:“诱骗”? 用词不俗啊,莎士比亚大人。
(晚饭时)
比安卡:你毁了我成名的机会!
凯特:抱歉,但是那个女生糟透了,她就像是青少年版的金正日。
比安卡:说英语,臭显摆!
凯特:金正日,朝鲜的最高领导人,爸爸。
比安卡:朝鲜!那又怎么样?我说的是我们高中,我在那儿肯定不受欢迎了,我的人生没有意义了。
凯特:那是,比裹脚和穿长袍还惨。
比安卡:说英语!
父:好了。比安卡,宝贝,我知道你很郁闷,但是凯特是对的……
比安卡:你说什么?
父:……有时你太想出名了,一定要正确看待事物。就这样。
(早餐时)
凯特:我们是世界上的最后一个超级大国,但是我们居然没有全民健康保险。
父:你是在跟我说话呢,还是你脑子里的民主党?
比安卡:老爸,你有没有看见那个装着旧钢琴谱的那个盒子?
父:呃,没有,亲爱的,找那个干什么?
比安卡:哎,反正我也不可能受欢迎了,我觉得我还是去参加合唱团比较好,那些搞地下恋情的同性恋们也挺有意思的。
父亲:她好像有点心不在焉的。
凯特:我看出来了,这样不好吗?行了,老爸,她太过执着于别人的那些想法了,妈妈是不会赞成这点的。
父:你要知道,你妈妈觉得比安卡那种无所畏惧地融入到任何社会环境的能力是她最值得称赞的一个性格特征。
凯特:真的吗?
父:真的。她也非常欣赏你尊重他人、有公平感。所以我反倒是觉得挺奇怪的,一个对全民健康保险充满热情的人,居然对自己的亲妹妹缺乏怜悯心。
凯特:哇哦,你可真行啊。
父:别这么说。是你先提起已逝的妈妈,我只是以其人之道还治其人之身罢了。
人气论
(在家中)
父:亲爱的,怎么了?
比安卡:我正经历着一个重大的危机。查斯蒂觉得我是个乖乖女,也就是说,全校人也马上就会知道了。
凯特:那确实是一个重大危机,与全球经济危机、北极冰架的坍塌一样举足轻重。我们来打开收音机,看博诺有没有为你写了首歌。
父:嘲笑从来都不会起作用的。比安卡,你应该为自己感到骄傲,一个好的名声能为你在政界、商界带个路,当然还有在这个家。
比安卡:老爸,我们现在是在加州啊。这里允许种植药用大麻、住着卡戴希恩家庭和不穿内裤还让别人看的女孩。乖女孩在受欢迎的圈子里是没有位置的。
凯特:如果你的自尊不是建立在其他人的想法上的话,那你可能就不会为这事如此烦恼了。
比安卡:看吧,所以你没有一点社交活动。我要改变我的形象,我现在剩下的选择是打一个唇钉、把头发染成粉色的,还有就是打扮成性感小野猫那样。
父:不能在脸上打孔,也不能把头发换成别的颜色,也不能……什么是性感小野猫?
凯特:他们是一帮复杂的……脱衣歌手。
父:你干嘛不跟人说你是流行乐队迷的一员,或者是白宫里面的某个实习生?又或者是在班级舞会上生孩子,而之前连自己怀孕了都不知道的白痴?
比安卡:这个想法太好了,老爸,谢谢你,那我就可以跟所有人说我生了一个孩子!哼!
凯:不错啊,外公。哦,她一定会很讨厌那些假想中的妊娠纹。
父:是吗。
(在学校)
比安卡:我想请你帮一个大忙。我可以撒谎说放学后我在你的家里吗?
学生甲:如果理由充分的话。
比安卡:嗯,我在跟一个年纪比我大的人约会,如果我老爸发现的话,他会发火的。
学生甲:他究竟多大?
比安卡:26,又或者是31吧,很难说。他对我们之间的年龄差别也很不舒服。太可爱了。
学生甲:哇,我约会过年纪最大的男孩子也不过是露营辅导员而已。
比安卡:我知道你会说:“比安卡,这不会有结果的。”你可能是对的,但他太性感了,每当他在我脖子旁边呼气时,我……我,我已经说得太多了。你得答应你不会告诉别人。
学生甲:当然了,比安卡,你绝对可以相信我。
(在课室里)
学生乙:比安卡,如果我要买一本关于一个叫比安卡的女孩子与比他年纪大的男子约会的书,我应该在哪儿找,虚构类还是非虚构类?
比安卡:哦,当然是非虚构类。
学生乙:那就不是真的了?
比安卡:不对,是真的。
学生乙:太酷了,跟年纪大的男孩子约会可是超级模特儿的经典之作啊。
儿女论
(晚上)
父:她过了宵禁时间。
凯特:把狼狗放出去吧!
父:你觉得这很好玩吗?放狼狗这事儿确实是在我的清单上的。
凯特:爸,放宽心,她只不过是去看场足球赛。所以她被绑架卖为奴的可能性很小。
父:居然把这种可能性提出来,感激不尽。我只是担心她会出车祸。
凯特:对不起。
父:她可是我的小花啊。
凯特:如果她是你的小花,那我是什么?
父:你是我坚强的大仙人掌啊。
凯特:绿色、浑身长刺的阴茎状物体。太棒了,老爸。
父:我的意思是,如果有人对你胡来,你就会狠狠反击。再说,仙人掌群从来不会在平时晚上出去到处撒花粉。
凯特:我们准确的名称是众仙人掌。
父:(对比安卡说)谢天谢地,你平安回来了,现在我可以把你杀了。
(比安卡准备晚餐。)
比安卡:好,你们可以看了。
父:比安卡,这很了不起啊。
比安卡:我们一起来做餐前祷告吧。
凯特:我们在你还是很小的时候就不做餐前祷告了。
比安卡:让我们一起祷告。感谢主赐给我们这富饶的丰收,保佑在新学校里那些贫困的孩子们。阿门。
凯特:好了,比安卡,你想怎么样?
父:凯特,别这样。好了,比安卡,你想怎么样?
比安卡:呃,爸,自从我在学校认识了这帮很棒的同学后,我最近对我的信仰作了很多思考。提到这个,他们今晚请我去参加这个超级酷的圣经学习,我可以去吗?
凯特:奥斯卡获奖者是……比安卡·斯特拉特福德对父亲撒谎的表演!
比安卡:住口,你这个坏人!爸,我真的不想错过,我觉得我今晚会戴上贞洁戒指。
父:可我觉得你今晚会在家与贞洁保安在一起。
凯特:爸,我可以出去吗?有一个外国电影展,我想去看看。
父:嗯,我没有拒绝的理由。
比安卡:完了?!我要出去的时候要报告详细细节,可她要出去你就连问都不问?
父:会喝酒吗?
凯特:不会。
父:毒品?
凯特:没有。
父:性?
凯特:恶心。
父:(对比安卡说)你满意了?
(比安卡偷偷出去参加派对,被发现了。)
凯特:爸爸已经知道你偷溜出去了,我帮不到你。
比安卡:这么说,我们俩都做了坏事,但只是我一个人有麻烦?我可不这样想。老爸,有些事我得告诉你。
父:啊,我现在不想听借口。比安卡,你应该学学你姐,要有责任感。
比安卡:你是说我姐吗?那个我要学习并效仿的人,你那个信得过的女儿?你想知道今晚那位完美无瑕的小姐做了些什么吗?她,她去……看了一部正面全裸的电影。
父:那跟欺骗你父亲是不一样的。
比安卡:好吧。
父:我拿她怎么办才好?
凯特:对她多些理解?今晚是因为我不送她去派对她才会偷偷出去的,她只不过是想找些乐子。
父:对,可你就不需要找些乐子呀。
凯特:我有的时候也有乐子。
父:当然,可你会去外国电影节之类的活动。
凯特:也不总是这样。
父:我想说的是,所以你是我信得过的仙人掌呀。怎么了?
凯特:这是我的假身份证。今晚我去了一个夜总会,看一个乐队的表演。而且,我是一个人去的,可能会发生可怕的事呢。
父:你为什么让我知道呢?
凯特:因为我不想做仙人掌。
Anxious VS Harsh
(On the way to school on the first day, Bianca was touching on her makeup.)
Kat: We’re headed to high school, not the Academy Awards.
Bianca: You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
Kat: Please, we’re talking about teenagers that are impressed by shiny objects.
Bianca: Thus my earrings.
Kat: You could just try being yourself.
Bianca: Spoken like a true unpopular person.
Kat: Hmmm.
Bianca: That never works. Using 1)exhaustive Facebook research, I’ve identified the most popular girl at school. I then deconstructed her profile and used that data to carefully plot out our first encounter so as to easily befriend and 2)beguile her.
Kat: Beguile? Big word, Shakespeare!
(At dinner table)
Bianca: You’ve ruined my chances at being popular!
Kat: I’m sorry, but that girl sucks! She’s a teenage Kim Jong-Il!
Bianca: Speak English, you showoff!
Kat: Kim Jong-Il, the dictator of North Korea, Dad!
Bianca: North Korea, so what? I’m talking about our high school where I’m going to become unpopular! My life isn’t worth living.
Kat: Yes, it’s way worse than having bound feet or wearing a 3)burka.
Bianca: English!
Dad: Enough! Bianca, honey, look, I know you’re upset, but Kat’s right…
Bianca: What?
Dad: …sometimes you get a little obsessed with popularity. Just keep things 4)in perspective, that’s all.
(At the breakfast table)
Kat: We’re the world’s last superpower and yet we don’t have universal healthcare.
Dad: Are you talking to me or the Democrats in your head?
Bianca: Dad, have you seen that box of old piano sheet music?
Dad: Uh, no honey, why?
Bianca: Well, since I’m not going to be popular, I guess I’ll join show choir, closeted gay guys are fun.
Dad: She doesn’t seem like herself.
Kat: I know, isn’t it great? Come on, Dad, she’s obsessed with what other people think! Mom would not approve.
Dad: You know, your mother saw Bianca’s ability to fearlessly dive into any social situation as one of her best traits.
Kat: She did?
Dad: She did. She also loved your respect for others and your sense of fairness, which is why I find it strange that someone so passionate about universal healthcare could lack any compassion for her own sister.
Kat: Wow, you’re good.
Dad: No, you’re the one played the dead Mom card, I just served it back.
Goody-goody VS Popularity
(At home)
Dad: Honey, something wrong?
Bianca: I’m in the middle of a major crisis. Chastity thinks I’m a goody-goody, which means soon the whole school will.
Kat: That is a major crisis. Ranks right up there with the global recession and the collapse of the 5)Arctic shelf. Let’s turn on the radio, see if 6)Bono wrote a song about you.
Dad: 7)Sarcasm never helps. You should be proud of yourself, Bianca, a good reputation can take you places in politics, in business, in this house.
Bianca: Dad, we’re in California now, home to medical 8)marijuana, the Kardashians, the panty-less crotch flash. Good girls don’t sit at the popular table.
Kat: Maybe it wouldn’t bother you so much if your self-esteem wasn’t based on what other people think.
Bianca: See that’s why you have no social life. I need to change my image. I’ve narrowed it down to getting a lip 9)stud, dyeing my hair pink, or dressing like a Pussycat Doll.
Dad: No face-piercing, no alternative hair colors, no…what’s a Pussycat Doll?
Kat: They’re multi-hyphenates…strippers who sing.
Dad: Why not tell people you’re a 10)groupie? Or one of those White House interns? Or some idiot who gives birth to a baby at the prom, and they didn’t even know they were pregnant.
Bianca: That is a genius idea, Dad, thanks. I can tell everyone I’ve had a baby! Huh!
Kat: Way to go, Grandpa. Oh, she’s going to hate those pretend stretch-marks.
Dad: Funny.
(At school)
Bianca: I have a big fat favor to ask. Can I lie and say I’m at your house after school?
Student A: If it’s for a good reason.
Bianca: Well, I’m dating this older guy and my dad would 11)freak if he found out.
Student A: How much older is older?
Bianca: Twenty-six. Or maybe 31, it’s hard to tell. He feels weird about the age difference. It’s adorable!
Student A: Wow, the oldest guy I’ve ever been with was my camp counselor.
Bianca: I know what you’re going to say, “Bianca, this can’t go anywhere.” And you’re right, but he’s so hot, and when he blows on my neck I…I, I’ve already said too much. Promise you won’t tell?
Student A: Come on. Bianca, you can totally trust me.
(In classroom)
Student B: Bianca, if I were to buy a book about a girl named Bianca and an older guy, where would I find it, fiction or non-fiction?
Bianca: Oh definitely non-fiction.
Student B: So it’s non-true?
Bianca: No, it’s true.
Student B: Cool, dating older dudes is a textbook supermodel maneuver.
Flower VS Cactus
(At night)
Dad: She’s late for 12)curfew!
Kat: Release the 13)hounds.
Dad: You think that’s funny? Hounds were on my to-do list.
Kat: Dad, relax, she’s at a soccer game. The odds of her being kidnapped and sold into slavery are very slim.
Dad: Thanks for bringing that up. I was just worried she was in a car accident.
Kat: Sorry.
Dad: She’s my little flower.
Kat: If she’s your little flower, what am I?
Dad: You are my big tough cactus.
Kat: Green, spiny, and 14)phallic, that’s great, Dad.
Dad: What I mean is, someone messes with you, you stab ’em. Plus cactuses are never out late on a school night trying to 15)pollinate.
Kat: Our correct name is 16)cacti.
Dad: (To Bianca) Thank god you’re home safe so I can kill you.
(Bianca prepares dinner.)
Bianca: OK, you can peek.
Dad: Bianca, this looks amazing!
Bianca: Shouldn’t we say grace?
Kat: We haven’t said grace since you stopped using your Pocahontas fork.
Bianca: Let us pray. Thank you Lord for this bountiful harvest, and bless the underprivileged and teenage children in new high schools, amen.
Kat: OK, Bianca, what gives?
Dad: Kat, please. OK, Bianca, what gives?
Bianca: Well, Daddy, I’ve been thinking about my faith a lot recently, ever since I met this great group of kids at school. Speaking of which, they invited me to this killer Bible study tonight, can I go?
Kat: And the Oscar goes to…Bianca Stratford for lying to her father!
Bianca: Zip it, Satan! Dad, I’d really hate to miss it, I think tonight I get my purity ring!
Dad: And I think tonight you’ll be home with the purity security.
Kat: Dad, is it OK if I go out? There’s a foreign film festival. I wanted to check out.
Dad: Well, I don’t see why not.
Bianca: That’s it?! When I go out I have to file flight plans with the 17)FAA, but she gets to go out no questions asked?
Dad: Gonna drink?
Kat: No.
Dad: Drugs?
Kat: No.
Dad: Sex?
Kat: Gross.
Dad: (To Bianca) Satisfied?
(Bianca snuck out to a party and gets got.)
Kat: Dad already knew you snuck out, there’s nothing I could do.
Bianca: So we both screw up and I’m the only one that gets screwed? I don’t think so. Dad, there’s something you should know.
Dad: Nah, I’m not in the mood for excuses, Bianca, you need to learn to be more responsible like your sister.
Bianca: You mean my older sister? The one I’m supposed to look up to and 18)emulate? The trustworthy daughter. Would you like to know what little Miss Perfect did tonight? She, she went to a…movie that featured full-frontal 19)nudity.
Dad: It’s not the same as deceiving your father.
Bianca: Fine.
Dad: What am I going to do about her?
Kat: How about 20)cut her some slack? I wouldn’t drive her to that party tonight so she snuck out. She just wanted to have some fun.
Dad: Yeah, but you don’t want to have fun.
Kat: I have fun sometimes.
Dad: Sure, but you go to film festivals and things like that.
Kat: Not always.
Dad: I’m just saying that’s why you’re my trusty dependable cactus. What?
Kat: This is my fake I.D. I went and saw a band play at a seedy club tonight. Plus, I went alone. Horrific things could have happened to me.
Dad: Why are you showing me this?
Kat: Because I don’t want to be a cactus.
印象论
(第一天在上学的路上,比安卡在化妆。)
凯特:我们是去上高中,不是出席奥斯卡颁奖典礼。
比安卡:留下第一印象的机会只有一次。
凯特:拜托了,我们在说的是一群青少年,他们只会被闪闪发亮的东西吸引。
比安卡:所以我戴了耳环。
凯特:你大可以表现真实的自我啊。
比安卡:说话就像个完全没名气的人。
凯特:对。
比安卡:那从来不管用。我在“脸谱”交友网进行了彻底地搜索,查出了学校里最受欢迎的女生。我终于整理出了她的档案,并通过这些精心设计了我们初次见面的场景。这样就能很轻易地成为她的朋友, 并且诱骗她。
凯特:“诱骗”? 用词不俗啊,莎士比亚大人。
(晚饭时)
比安卡:你毁了我成名的机会!
凯特:抱歉,但是那个女生糟透了,她就像是青少年版的金正日。
比安卡:说英语,臭显摆!
凯特:金正日,朝鲜的最高领导人,爸爸。
比安卡:朝鲜!那又怎么样?我说的是我们高中,我在那儿肯定不受欢迎了,我的人生没有意义了。
凯特:那是,比裹脚和穿长袍还惨。
比安卡:说英语!
父:好了。比安卡,宝贝,我知道你很郁闷,但是凯特是对的……
比安卡:你说什么?
父:……有时你太想出名了,一定要正确看待事物。就这样。
(早餐时)
凯特:我们是世界上的最后一个超级大国,但是我们居然没有全民健康保险。
父:你是在跟我说话呢,还是你脑子里的民主党?
比安卡:老爸,你有没有看见那个装着旧钢琴谱的那个盒子?
父:呃,没有,亲爱的,找那个干什么?
比安卡:哎,反正我也不可能受欢迎了,我觉得我还是去参加合唱团比较好,那些搞地下恋情的同性恋们也挺有意思的。
父亲:她好像有点心不在焉的。
凯特:我看出来了,这样不好吗?行了,老爸,她太过执着于别人的那些想法了,妈妈是不会赞成这点的。
父:你要知道,你妈妈觉得比安卡那种无所畏惧地融入到任何社会环境的能力是她最值得称赞的一个性格特征。
凯特:真的吗?
父:真的。她也非常欣赏你尊重他人、有公平感。所以我反倒是觉得挺奇怪的,一个对全民健康保险充满热情的人,居然对自己的亲妹妹缺乏怜悯心。
凯特:哇哦,你可真行啊。
父:别这么说。是你先提起已逝的妈妈,我只是以其人之道还治其人之身罢了。
人气论
(在家中)
父:亲爱的,怎么了?
比安卡:我正经历着一个重大的危机。查斯蒂觉得我是个乖乖女,也就是说,全校人也马上就会知道了。
凯特:那确实是一个重大危机,与全球经济危机、北极冰架的坍塌一样举足轻重。我们来打开收音机,看博诺有没有为你写了首歌。
父:嘲笑从来都不会起作用的。比安卡,你应该为自己感到骄傲,一个好的名声能为你在政界、商界带个路,当然还有在这个家。
比安卡:老爸,我们现在是在加州啊。这里允许种植药用大麻、住着卡戴希恩家庭和不穿内裤还让别人看的女孩。乖女孩在受欢迎的圈子里是没有位置的。
凯特:如果你的自尊不是建立在其他人的想法上的话,那你可能就不会为这事如此烦恼了。
比安卡:看吧,所以你没有一点社交活动。我要改变我的形象,我现在剩下的选择是打一个唇钉、把头发染成粉色的,还有就是打扮成性感小野猫那样。
父:不能在脸上打孔,也不能把头发换成别的颜色,也不能……什么是性感小野猫?
凯特:他们是一帮复杂的……脱衣歌手。
父:你干嘛不跟人说你是流行乐队迷的一员,或者是白宫里面的某个实习生?又或者是在班级舞会上生孩子,而之前连自己怀孕了都不知道的白痴?
比安卡:这个想法太好了,老爸,谢谢你,那我就可以跟所有人说我生了一个孩子!哼!
凯:不错啊,外公。哦,她一定会很讨厌那些假想中的妊娠纹。
父:是吗。
(在学校)
比安卡:我想请你帮一个大忙。我可以撒谎说放学后我在你的家里吗?
学生甲:如果理由充分的话。
比安卡:嗯,我在跟一个年纪比我大的人约会,如果我老爸发现的话,他会发火的。
学生甲:他究竟多大?
比安卡:26,又或者是31吧,很难说。他对我们之间的年龄差别也很不舒服。太可爱了。
学生甲:哇,我约会过年纪最大的男孩子也不过是露营辅导员而已。
比安卡:我知道你会说:“比安卡,这不会有结果的。”你可能是对的,但他太性感了,每当他在我脖子旁边呼气时,我……我,我已经说得太多了。你得答应你不会告诉别人。
学生甲:当然了,比安卡,你绝对可以相信我。
(在课室里)
学生乙:比安卡,如果我要买一本关于一个叫比安卡的女孩子与比他年纪大的男子约会的书,我应该在哪儿找,虚构类还是非虚构类?
比安卡:哦,当然是非虚构类。
学生乙:那就不是真的了?
比安卡:不对,是真的。
学生乙:太酷了,跟年纪大的男孩子约会可是超级模特儿的经典之作啊。
儿女论
(晚上)
父:她过了宵禁时间。
凯特:把狼狗放出去吧!
父:你觉得这很好玩吗?放狼狗这事儿确实是在我的清单上的。
凯特:爸,放宽心,她只不过是去看场足球赛。所以她被绑架卖为奴的可能性很小。
父:居然把这种可能性提出来,感激不尽。我只是担心她会出车祸。
凯特:对不起。
父:她可是我的小花啊。
凯特:如果她是你的小花,那我是什么?
父:你是我坚强的大仙人掌啊。
凯特:绿色、浑身长刺的阴茎状物体。太棒了,老爸。
父:我的意思是,如果有人对你胡来,你就会狠狠反击。再说,仙人掌群从来不会在平时晚上出去到处撒花粉。
凯特:我们准确的名称是众仙人掌。
父:(对比安卡说)谢天谢地,你平安回来了,现在我可以把你杀了。
(比安卡准备晚餐。)
比安卡:好,你们可以看了。
父:比安卡,这很了不起啊。
比安卡:我们一起来做餐前祷告吧。
凯特:我们在你还是很小的时候就不做餐前祷告了。
比安卡:让我们一起祷告。感谢主赐给我们这富饶的丰收,保佑在新学校里那些贫困的孩子们。阿门。
凯特:好了,比安卡,你想怎么样?
父:凯特,别这样。好了,比安卡,你想怎么样?
比安卡:呃,爸,自从我在学校认识了这帮很棒的同学后,我最近对我的信仰作了很多思考。提到这个,他们今晚请我去参加这个超级酷的圣经学习,我可以去吗?
凯特:奥斯卡获奖者是……比安卡·斯特拉特福德对父亲撒谎的表演!
比安卡:住口,你这个坏人!爸,我真的不想错过,我觉得我今晚会戴上贞洁戒指。
父:可我觉得你今晚会在家与贞洁保安在一起。
凯特:爸,我可以出去吗?有一个外国电影展,我想去看看。
父:嗯,我没有拒绝的理由。
比安卡:完了?!我要出去的时候要报告详细细节,可她要出去你就连问都不问?
父:会喝酒吗?
凯特:不会。
父:毒品?
凯特:没有。
父:性?
凯特:恶心。
父:(对比安卡说)你满意了?
(比安卡偷偷出去参加派对,被发现了。)
凯特:爸爸已经知道你偷溜出去了,我帮不到你。
比安卡:这么说,我们俩都做了坏事,但只是我一个人有麻烦?我可不这样想。老爸,有些事我得告诉你。
父:啊,我现在不想听借口。比安卡,你应该学学你姐,要有责任感。
比安卡:你是说我姐吗?那个我要学习并效仿的人,你那个信得过的女儿?你想知道今晚那位完美无瑕的小姐做了些什么吗?她,她去……看了一部正面全裸的电影。
父:那跟欺骗你父亲是不一样的。
比安卡:好吧。
父:我拿她怎么办才好?
凯特:对她多些理解?今晚是因为我不送她去派对她才会偷偷出去的,她只不过是想找些乐子。
父:对,可你就不需要找些乐子呀。
凯特:我有的时候也有乐子。
父:当然,可你会去外国电影节之类的活动。
凯特:也不总是这样。
父:我想说的是,所以你是我信得过的仙人掌呀。怎么了?
凯特:这是我的假身份证。今晚我去了一个夜总会,看一个乐队的表演。而且,我是一个人去的,可能会发生可怕的事呢。
父:你为什么让我知道呢?
凯特:因为我不想做仙人掌。