每一天都是上帝赐予的礼物

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  My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister’s bureau1 and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package. “This,” he said, “is not a slip. This is lingerie2.” He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite, silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical3 figure on it was still attached. “Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is the occasion.” He took the slip from me and put it on the bed, with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician4. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me, “Don’t ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you’re alive is a special occasion.”
  I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister’s family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn’t seen or heard or done. I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special. I’m still thinking about his words, and they’ve changed my life.
  I’m reading more and dusting less. I’m sitting on the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in garden. I’m spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings. Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I’m trying to recognize these moments now and cherish5 them.
  I’m not “saving” anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event—such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom... I wear my good blazer6 to the market if I feel like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28. 49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing. I’m not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends. “Someday” and “one of these days” are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it’s worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.
  I’m not sure what my sister would have done had she know that she wouldn’t be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize, and mend fences for past squabbles7. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I’m guessing—I’ll never know.   It’s those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with someday. Angry because I hadn’t written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn’t tell my husband and daughter often enough how much I truly love them. I’m trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster8 to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that every day, every minute, every breath truly, is... a gift from God.
  妹夫打开了妹妹衣柜最底层抽屉,拿出一个用纸包装的包裹。“这个,”他说,“不再什么衬裙,是睡裙了。”他扔掉了裹在外面的纸,将那件衬裙递给我。那是一件做工精美的衣服,其丝质料,手工缝制,还有轻盈透明的花边。标着天文数字的价目标签依然系在上面。“我们第一次去纽约时简就把它买了下来,至少有八、九年前了。她没有舍得它,说要等一个特殊的日子再穿它。唉!我想现在是时候了。”他从我手中拿回衬裙,把它和床上那些我们准备送到殡仪服务人员那里的衣服放在一起。他的手在那柔软的面料上停留了一会儿,尔后 “砰”地关上抽屉,转身对我说:“不要攒着什么东西等到什么特别的场合了。活着的每一天没有哪一天不是特别的。”
  在整个葬礼和后来帮助他和外甥女打理这场突如其来的变故后一切令人伤心的琐事期间,我的耳际一直回响着那番话。我想到了那些姐姐从未遇见过的、听到过的或尝试过的种种事情;想到了那些她虽然做了但没有意识到有多么特别的事情。时至今日,我依旧想着那番话,她改变了我的一生。
  我现在把时间花在读书上而不是打扫上。我会坐在露台上欣赏风景,而不再去担心是否该收拾园中的杂草。我花更多的时间和家人、朋友呆在一起,而不再去顾及那些例行的文山会海。不管什么时候,只要可能的话,生活都应该去品味享受,而非负累忍受。如今,我努力抓住这些时刻,并珍惜它们。
  我不再“攒“什么东西。在每一个特别的场合:譬如身体减了一磅,水槽疏通了,第一朵山茶花开的时候,我们都会用最好的瓷器和水晶器皿。如果我高兴的话,我就穿上漂亮的运动服去市场。我不再省下最好的香水等待特别的聚会,五金店的职员,银行里的出纳同聚会的朋友一样有能闻到香水的鼻子。“某一天”和“总有一天”在我的词汇表都失去了它们的吸引力。只要是值得看的,值得听的,值得做的,我便会立刻付诸行动。
  我不知道,如果姐姐知道明天——那个人人都以为自己可以拥有的明天——她将不在人世,她会做些什么。我想她會给家人和一些好朋友打电话,为那些鸡毛蒜皮的争吵道歉,以摒弃前嫌。我想她该出去吃她最喜欢的中国菜。但这只是我猜测——我永远也不得而知了。
  假如我知道我的时间不多了,那些没来得及做的小事会让我恼火。我会懊恼,因为我一再推迟拜访好友的时间,总是想着改天再去联系;我会懊恼,因为我一直没有写我要写的信——我想总有一天会写的。会让懊恼和遗憾的是,我们没有经常告诉丈夫和女儿我全心地深深地爱着他们。如今,我尽力不再推迟、阻碍或保留起能给我们的生活带来欢乐和热情的东西。每天清晨,当我睁开眼睛,我都会告诉自己“今天是个特别的日子”。每一天、每一分钟、每一次呼吸……都是上帝赐予的礼物!
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