If you’ve lived and breathed and owned a phone in the 21st century， chances are high that you’ve participated in what I like to call cancel-reschedule ping-pong： You make plans but somebody has to bail，1 so you move the date； sometimes it only takes one reschedule to pin things down， but some encounters stretch into full-on tournament mode， each of you lobbing proposed times at each other until you’re both fatigued by the whole thing.2 Things go one of two ways： Either you eventually abandon the meetup， or you let it sink further and further into the future， hoping that one day， by some astrological miracle， your calendars will finally align.3
　　It’s annoying， sure， but if you’re being honest with yourself， doesn’t it also feel at least a little good to bail？ Comedian John Mulaney once quipped： “In terms of instant relief， canceling plans is like heroin… such instant joy.”4 I can’t disagree. As a reformed former chronic canceler， I knew that feeling all too well—the relief that would flood me like an endorphin rush after I flaked on brunches， after-work drinks， Tinder dates， yoga classes， and networking events.5
　　And I never had to search too hard for justification， either. The internet is rife with guides on how to reschedule （like an adult， gracefully， professionally， without feeling guilty）， explainers on why people are flaky，6 and articles proclaiming that making plans is too hard because we’re all busy and stressed. But eventually， I began to wonder why I enjoyed it so much. These are my friends， and these are activities I supposedly want to do； why， then， did I feel more at ease than sorry when I bailed？
　　Let’s get one thing out of the way： Social anxiety can play a role， but just because you choose canceling more than going out doesn’t necessarily mean you have a sign of the condition. “With social anxiety， you have a fear of being judged or rejected in social situations，” says Simon Rego， chief of psychology at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx.7 “A lot of people with anxiety disorders manage their triggers8 with avoidance， and feel relieved when they don’t have to enter a situation that’s challenging for them.”
　　But neurobiologist Amy Banks， a therapist specializing in relational disconnection and the author of Wired to Connect， explains that it’s perfectly normal to feel a little bit of dread before social functions.9 People with social anxiety may continue to feel distressed throughout； for most people， though， those worries typically dissipate once they’re there and in the groove.10 The challenge is in getting to that point.
　　According to Banks， one explanation for the joy of canceling is pretty straightforward： Some people’s schedules really are just that demanding， and flaking on plans is the easiest path to some much-needed downtime11.“A lot of people underestimate how much they can take on， so canceling feels good because they just have too much going on and actually really need a night off，” she says.
　　It’s also possible that the joy you find in canceling is more a reflection of how you feel about the person you’re canceling on. “We might have relationships that don’t really feel mutual or equal， like when someone constantly hijacks the conversation or is condescending，”12 Banks explains. “Meeting up with those people might be stressful or draining13， so we might experience relief when canceling because we don’t feel great about seeing them.” If that’s the case， she adds， you should spend some time figuring out if this is a connection that you want to work on improving or one that it’s okay to let go of， even temporarily.
　　And when the person in question is someone you rarely see face-to-face， it can feel like a monumental effort to make the leap from keeping tabs over social media to real-life interactions—compared to the ease of sending an occasional text or scrolling through an Instagram feed， in-person meetups can feel messy and inconvenient.14“People feel that their needs for contact are met by keeping up with their [phone] so， being with people [in person] becomes burdensome，”says Sherry Turkle， director of the MIT Initiative on Technology and Self and the author of Reclaiming Conversation.15 “Meeting up can be stressful， but online or via text， our relationships are tidy： We can hide what we want to hide and evade people when things get uncomfortable.”
　　The flip side of this， of course， is that if a friendship exists primarily in the digital world， ditching your in-person plans can feel like an inconsequential act.16“When we cancel plans online， we don’t have to see or hear the other’s disappointment or sadness，” Rego says. “When you have to encounter that person and their emotional reaction face-to-face， it becomes harder to bail， because you really have to process that you’re making someone potentially feel bad.”
　　But here’s what I wish I knew during my own stint17 as a chronic flake： The best way to break the habit is to just make fewer plans. If you’re really busy—and I mean truly engulfed in18 obligations， not just pretending to be busy—then don’t commit to things you won’t have the energy to follow through on. And either way， as Banks puts it，“Don’t make plans with people you feel ambivalent19 about.” It robs you of that sweet sensation of relief that comes from sending a “something came up” text， but it’s also much kinder—to the other person， yes， but also to your future self.20 Eventually， rescheduling ping-pong just gets exhausting.
　　1. ping-pong：〈口〉踢皮球；bail：〈非正式〉违背承诺，爽约。
　　2. 有时只需重新计划一次就能敲定日程，但有时，有些计划发展成了激烈的锦标赛模式，你们都像吊高球一样把约定时间往后拖，直到双方都精疲力竭。pin down： 明确，确定；full-on：（表示最大程度）完全的，最强烈的；tournament： 锦标赛；lob： （网球等）吊高球。
　　3. astrological： 占星术的；align：使一致，匹配。
　　4. John Mulaney： 约翰·木兰尼（1982— ），美国男演员、编剧、制片人；quip： 嘲弄，打趣；heroin： 海洛因。
　　5. 作为一个改过自新的曾经常常取消计划的人，我太了解这种感觉了。在我取消了早午餐、下班后的酒局、Tinder约会、瑜伽课程以及社交活动等一系列日程之后，我感觉轻松舒畅，仿佛全身都涌动着安多酚快感。chronic： 习惯性的，积习难改的；endorphin rush： 安多酚快感。安多酚，又称内啡肽，体内产生的一种有镇痛作用的荷尔蒙，能使人愉悦；flake on： 放鸽子，下文中的flake是美国俚语，指行为古怪的人；Tinder： 国外的一款手机交友软件。
　　6. rife with： 充斥著；flaky： 古怪的，健忘的。
　　7. Montefiore Medical Center： 蒙特非奥里医疗中心；Bronx： 布朗克斯，纽约市最北端的一区。
　　8. trigger： 起因，诱因。
　　9. neurobiologist： 神经生物学家；therapist：治疗专家；Wired to Connect： 《沉迷交往》，作者在书中提出，一个人只有通过建立良好的人际关系才能最大限度地了解自身潜能；dread： 恐惧，担心。
　　10. dissipate： 消散；in the groove： 得心应手，处于最佳状态。
　　11. downtime： 休息时间，闲暇时间。
　　12. hijack a conversation： 劫持对话，通常指交谈中一方只顾自己滔滔不绝，对方根本插不进话；condescending： 居高临下的。
　　13. draining： 令人疲惫的，耗人的。
　　14. 而如果这个你拿不准的人和你很少见面，那么你会感觉需要极大的努力，才能让你们的关系从社交媒体上的彼此关注跨越到面对面的真实交流。和偶尔发送消息或浏览Instagram图片评论的轻松相比，见面可能会让人感到棘手又麻烦。monumental： 极大的；keep tabs over：密切关注；scroll through： 浏览；feed： 消息推送。
　　15. burdensome： 烦人的；Sherry Turkle： 雪莉·特克尔（1948— ），麻省理工学院社会学教授，哈佛大学社会学和人格心理学博士，临床心理学家；MIT Initiative on Technology and Self： 麻省理工学院科技与自我创新中心；Reclaiming Conversation：《重拾交谈》，作者在书中指出了网络交互对人际关系和创造力的破坏，以及面对面交流的好处。
　　16. 而另一方面，如果一段友谊主要依存于数码世界，放弃和他人见面的计划就会令人感觉无关紧要。flip side： 另一方面；ditch： 放弃；inconsequential： 无关紧要的，不重要的。
　　17. stint： 期限，工作任期。
　　18. be engulfed in： 被淹没，使深陷于。
　　19. ambivalent： 含糊不清的，模棱两可的。
　　20. 虽然这样做不会再让你在发送“临时有事”的信息后感到如释重负的愉悦，但其实这样会更加友好——不仅是对对方，也是对未来的自己。