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雪 桐 译
As a single guy, I never understood the complex rela-tionship between women and their clothes. As a married man, the mystery has only deepened.
When clothing catalogs arrive in the mail, I try to throw them out before Bethany sees them. It’s not that she buys very many clothesÑshe just loves to look at pictures of them. On a recent road trip, she stared at a 1)J. Jill catalog for six straight hours. It would have been a much shorter car ride if she had been looking at the map instead.
Guys just don’t care much about clothes. Which brings me to...
2)Bizarre Fact #1: Guys dress up to impress women. Women dress up to impress other women.
In college, when the yearly 3)big band dance 4)rolled around, my friends and I knew how to dress up. Dusting off our suits, we did our best to look like 5)Frank Sinatra, 6)Dean Martin and the gang. The idea, of course, was that if we looked like 7)The Rat Pack, we would attract beautiful women the way the Rat Pack did. Each year we wore the same suits, but we never quite achieved the desired result.
When women prepared for the yearly dance, it was something else entirely. First, they consulted magazines with names like 8)Style and 9)Elegance to see what was in fashion. Second, they would take out an extension on their student loans to buy a $1000 dress that roughly consisted of two yards of 10)fabric and 300 11)sequins. The dress was worn for a total of four hours, then placed in a 12)hermetically sealed bag and stored in the back of the closet, never to be seen again.
This always 13)baffled me. Why go through such a 14)hassle over a silly dress? Guys are suckers for a simple black dress, and they don’t care how many times it’s been worn. We don’t read fashion magazines, and we have no idea what the “New Spring Styles” are.
Only after getting married did I learn the secret: Women don’t really 15)give a hoot what guys think about their dresses. It’s all about impressing each other. (“Well, we do give a small hoot,” my wife tries to assure me, pausing from her search for a new dress on 16)eBay.)
Bizarre Fact #2: Magazines targeted at men show 17)scantily-clad women on the cover. Magazines targeted at women also show scantily-clad women on the cover.
My mother-in-law subscribes to a woman’s health magazine, which, compared to other magazines in the 18)genre, is quite modest. But a recent cover showed a woman exercising in a tight sweatshirt and what appeared to be yellow underwear.
The first thought that entered my head was: Would any woman I know go jogging down the street in glowing yellow panties?
My second thought was: Would I ever be inclined to purchase a magazine that showed a man wearing a little piece of 19)spandex on the cover? Not unless it’s a 20)comic book and the man happens to be a super heroÑbut even then, he’d be wearing a decent pair of red tights underneath.
Bizarre Fact #3: Guys wear loose-fitting clothes and don’t care about their weight. Women wear tight clothes and are 21)obsessed with weight.
I would say that I’m out of shape. Loose clothes put me at ease. Tight clothes make me straighten my shoulders and suck in my stomach, which I can only manage for about three minutes. A few months ago, I was in need of new T-shirts. Bethany picked up a package at 22)Wal-Mart, but they were a size smaller than what I’m used to. From a woman’s perspective, they fit fineÑT-shirts are supposed to be form-fitting, my wife thought. When I tried one on, I looked somewhere in-between a boy-band member and a young 23)Homer Simpson. If I was ever forced to leave the house wearing a shirt that tight, I’d find the nearest phone booth and despe-rately call the 1-800 number from the “24)Ab Cruncher” 25)informercial.
That’s why I have a hard time understanding why most women wear tight clothes. Thankfully, my wife shares my basic point of view. She says that a few years ago, she realized that when she wore tight dresses she couldn’t enjoy herself. Now, she has a test: if she knows she’ll be 26)tugging down the bottom of a dress or pulling up the neckline, she wears something more comfortable.
Bizarre Fact #4: Women tend to be more self-conscious about their bodies than guys, but wear more revealing swimsuits.
When I go shopping for a swimsuit, I look for three things: (1) bagginess, (2) ample thigh coverage, (3) a 27)muted color that won’t draw attention to my pale skin. On a beach, my goal is to blend in with the sand as much as possible.
When the average woman goes shopping for a swimsuit, she looks for the exact opposite: (1) the tightest fit, (2) the least skin coverage, and (3) the 28)loudest color.
Before I dig myself into an even deeper hole, I’ll leave you to 29)ponder these strange but true phenomena. Admittedly, my list of bizarre facts is hardly exhaustive. To 30)broach the topic of women and shoes, for example, would require at least another article. (Why do I have two pairs while my wife has seven?) It’s best not to continue.
Instead, it’s about time I mowed the lawn again.
还是单身男士时，我就从来
没搞清楚过女人和她们的衣服之间的复杂关系，而今作为一个已婚男人，这种神秘感有增无减。
当服装目录册投递到我的信箱时，我尽量在贝瑟尼看到以前就扔掉它们。其实她不会疯狂地购买衣服，只是喜欢看看那些服装图片。最近一次驾车出游，她足足用了6个小时盯着J. Jill的目录册。如果她专心看地图，我们花在开车上的时间就会缩短很多。
男人不怎么关心衣着，这使我对以下几个古怪现象感到很困惑：
怪象1： 男人打扮是为了给女人留下深刻印象，女人打扮是为了给别的女人留下深刻印象。
念大学时，每当到了年度大型爵士乐舞会，我和朋友们都知道该怎么打扮自己。我们给礼服除尘，尽全力把自己打扮成弗兰克·辛纳特拉、迪安·马丁那一伙人的样子。当然，这些举动源于我们的一种想法—如果我们看起来像“鼠帮”的成员，我们会像他们那样吸引到美女。每年我们都穿同样的服装参加舞会，但从没有达到企求的效果。
女人为年度舞会做准备，那可是和男人截然不同。首先，她们会参考诸如《俏丽》、《风韵》这类时尚杂志，了解当下流行什么。然后，她们会延长助学贷款的归还期，花钱购买一件价值1000美元的衣服，所用布料大约有两码（约1.83米）长，上面镶着300块小闪片。这件衣服总共只穿4个小时，然后就被收进一个滴水不渗的密封袋子里，放在衣柜深处，再也没有重见天日的机会了。
这总是让我很困惑。为什么为一件可笑的衣服如此大费周章？男人惯穿一件简单的黑色衣服，并且他们从不在意身上的衣服穿了多少次。我们不看时尚杂志，也不清楚“新款春装”是什么款式。
只有当我结婚以后，我才知道这其中的秘密：女人们并不真正在乎男人们对她们衣着的观感，她们不过是想彼此争妍。（“其实，我们也确实有点在意男人怎么看的啦。”正在易趣网上搜索一件新衣服的妻子停了下来，努力让我相信这一点。）
怪象2：目标读者群是男性的杂志封面是衣不掩体的女人，而目标读者群是女性的杂志封面同样是衣不掩体的女人。
我的岳母订阅了一本关于女性健康的杂志，比起同类的其它杂志，这份杂志很朴实。但它最新一期的封面是一个穿着紧身运动衫健身的女人，她里面显然是穿着黄色的内衣裤。
进入我脑海的第一个疑问是：我认识的女人里，有谁会在里面穿着黄得发亮的内裤沿着街道慢跑呢？
我的第二个疑问是：我会购买一本用一个穿着迷你弹力裤的男人做封面的杂志吗？不会，除非那是一本漫画，并且封面上的那个男人刚好是某位超级英雄人物——但即使真是这样，他也定是穿着一条体面的红色紧身裤衬底。
怪象3：男人穿宽松的衣服，并且不在意自己的体重。女人穿紧身衣服，并且极其在乎自己的体重。
我得说明我很胖，体形已经走样了，宽松的衣服让我感觉舒适。紧身的衣服迫使我挺胸收腹，并且只能维持三分钟。几个月前，我需要买一些新的T恤，贝瑟尼在沃尔玛给我买了一袋，但它们都比我平常穿的要小一号。在一个女人看来，它们很合身——T恤本来就该凸显体形，我妻子这么认为。当我试穿其中一件时，我看上去就像是青年版的霍默·辛普森老爸试图装扮成穿着性感的少年男子乐队成员。如果我曾被迫要穿那么紧身的T恤出门，我定会寻找最近的电话亭，绝望地拨打Ab Cruncher 产品宣传片上的订购电话1-800。
这就是为什么我难以理解大多数女人穿紧身衣的原因。谢天谢地，我妻子和我的基本观点一致。她说几年前，她就意识到当她穿紧身的衣服时，总会觉得不自在。如今，她穿衣服时都会测试一下：如果她知道自己将要不停地把衣服往下扯，又或者不停地把领口往上提，她就会选择穿一些舒适一点的衣服。
怪象4：比起男人，女人对于自己的体形更敏感，但她们会穿更暴露的泳衣。
当我去买一件泳衣时，我关注三个方面：（1）宽松，（2）能大面积地遮盖大腿，（3）颜色不显眼，不容易让人留意到我苍白的皮肤。在沙滩上，我的目标就是尽可能地和沙子混为一体。
然而一般女人上街买泳衣，她会关注相反的方面：（1）紧身，（2）尽可能地暴露，（3）颜色夺目。
我就此截断已经探究甚深的思路，留给读者你们自己去思考这些怪异却真实的现象吧。诚然，远远不止我列举的这些古怪的现象。比如说到女人和鞋子的关系，那就至少需要有另一篇专文来介绍（为什么我有2双鞋而我妻子有7双？）。最好趁早打住。
我也到了该再去除草的时候了。
注：本文中所涉及到的图表、注解、公式等内容请以PDF格式阅读原文。
As a single guy, I never understood the complex rela-tionship between women and their clothes. As a married man, the mystery has only deepened.
When clothing catalogs arrive in the mail, I try to throw them out before Bethany sees them. It’s not that she buys very many clothesÑshe just loves to look at pictures of them. On a recent road trip, she stared at a 1)J. Jill catalog for six straight hours. It would have been a much shorter car ride if she had been looking at the map instead.
Guys just don’t care much about clothes. Which brings me to...
2)Bizarre Fact #1: Guys dress up to impress women. Women dress up to impress other women.
In college, when the yearly 3)big band dance 4)rolled around, my friends and I knew how to dress up. Dusting off our suits, we did our best to look like 5)Frank Sinatra, 6)Dean Martin and the gang. The idea, of course, was that if we looked like 7)The Rat Pack, we would attract beautiful women the way the Rat Pack did. Each year we wore the same suits, but we never quite achieved the desired result.
When women prepared for the yearly dance, it was something else entirely. First, they consulted magazines with names like 8)Style and 9)Elegance to see what was in fashion. Second, they would take out an extension on their student loans to buy a $1000 dress that roughly consisted of two yards of 10)fabric and 300 11)sequins. The dress was worn for a total of four hours, then placed in a 12)hermetically sealed bag and stored in the back of the closet, never to be seen again.
This always 13)baffled me. Why go through such a 14)hassle over a silly dress? Guys are suckers for a simple black dress, and they don’t care how many times it’s been worn. We don’t read fashion magazines, and we have no idea what the “New Spring Styles” are.
Only after getting married did I learn the secret: Women don’t really 15)give a hoot what guys think about their dresses. It’s all about impressing each other. (“Well, we do give a small hoot,” my wife tries to assure me, pausing from her search for a new dress on 16)eBay.)
Bizarre Fact #2: Magazines targeted at men show 17)scantily-clad women on the cover. Magazines targeted at women also show scantily-clad women on the cover.
My mother-in-law subscribes to a woman’s health magazine, which, compared to other magazines in the 18)genre, is quite modest. But a recent cover showed a woman exercising in a tight sweatshirt and what appeared to be yellow underwear.
The first thought that entered my head was: Would any woman I know go jogging down the street in glowing yellow panties?
My second thought was: Would I ever be inclined to purchase a magazine that showed a man wearing a little piece of 19)spandex on the cover? Not unless it’s a 20)comic book and the man happens to be a super heroÑbut even then, he’d be wearing a decent pair of red tights underneath.
Bizarre Fact #3: Guys wear loose-fitting clothes and don’t care about their weight. Women wear tight clothes and are 21)obsessed with weight.
I would say that I’m out of shape. Loose clothes put me at ease. Tight clothes make me straighten my shoulders and suck in my stomach, which I can only manage for about three minutes. A few months ago, I was in need of new T-shirts. Bethany picked up a package at 22)Wal-Mart, but they were a size smaller than what I’m used to. From a woman’s perspective, they fit fineÑT-shirts are supposed to be form-fitting, my wife thought. When I tried one on, I looked somewhere in-between a boy-band member and a young 23)Homer Simpson. If I was ever forced to leave the house wearing a shirt that tight, I’d find the nearest phone booth and despe-rately call the 1-800 number from the “24)Ab Cruncher” 25)informercial.
That’s why I have a hard time understanding why most women wear tight clothes. Thankfully, my wife shares my basic point of view. She says that a few years ago, she realized that when she wore tight dresses she couldn’t enjoy herself. Now, she has a test: if she knows she’ll be 26)tugging down the bottom of a dress or pulling up the neckline, she wears something more comfortable.
Bizarre Fact #4: Women tend to be more self-conscious about their bodies than guys, but wear more revealing swimsuits.
When I go shopping for a swimsuit, I look for three things: (1) bagginess, (2) ample thigh coverage, (3) a 27)muted color that won’t draw attention to my pale skin. On a beach, my goal is to blend in with the sand as much as possible.
When the average woman goes shopping for a swimsuit, she looks for the exact opposite: (1) the tightest fit, (2) the least skin coverage, and (3) the 28)loudest color.
Before I dig myself into an even deeper hole, I’ll leave you to 29)ponder these strange but true phenomena. Admittedly, my list of bizarre facts is hardly exhaustive. To 30)broach the topic of women and shoes, for example, would require at least another article. (Why do I have two pairs while my wife has seven?) It’s best not to continue.
Instead, it’s about time I mowed the lawn again.
还是单身男士时，我就从来
没搞清楚过女人和她们的衣服之间的复杂关系，而今作为一个已婚男人，这种神秘感有增无减。
当服装目录册投递到我的信箱时，我尽量在贝瑟尼看到以前就扔掉它们。其实她不会疯狂地购买衣服，只是喜欢看看那些服装图片。最近一次驾车出游，她足足用了6个小时盯着J. Jill的目录册。如果她专心看地图，我们花在开车上的时间就会缩短很多。
男人不怎么关心衣着，这使我对以下几个古怪现象感到很困惑：
怪象1： 男人打扮是为了给女人留下深刻印象，女人打扮是为了给别的女人留下深刻印象。
念大学时，每当到了年度大型爵士乐舞会，我和朋友们都知道该怎么打扮自己。我们给礼服除尘，尽全力把自己打扮成弗兰克·辛纳特拉、迪安·马丁那一伙人的样子。当然，这些举动源于我们的一种想法—如果我们看起来像“鼠帮”的成员，我们会像他们那样吸引到美女。每年我们都穿同样的服装参加舞会，但从没有达到企求的效果。
女人为年度舞会做准备，那可是和男人截然不同。首先，她们会参考诸如《俏丽》、《风韵》这类时尚杂志，了解当下流行什么。然后，她们会延长助学贷款的归还期，花钱购买一件价值1000美元的衣服，所用布料大约有两码（约1.83米）长，上面镶着300块小闪片。这件衣服总共只穿4个小时，然后就被收进一个滴水不渗的密封袋子里，放在衣柜深处，再也没有重见天日的机会了。
这总是让我很困惑。为什么为一件可笑的衣服如此大费周章？男人惯穿一件简单的黑色衣服，并且他们从不在意身上的衣服穿了多少次。我们不看时尚杂志，也不清楚“新款春装”是什么款式。
只有当我结婚以后，我才知道这其中的秘密：女人们并不真正在乎男人们对她们衣着的观感，她们不过是想彼此争妍。（“其实，我们也确实有点在意男人怎么看的啦。”正在易趣网上搜索一件新衣服的妻子停了下来，努力让我相信这一点。）
怪象2：目标读者群是男性的杂志封面是衣不掩体的女人，而目标读者群是女性的杂志封面同样是衣不掩体的女人。
我的岳母订阅了一本关于女性健康的杂志，比起同类的其它杂志，这份杂志很朴实。但它最新一期的封面是一个穿着紧身运动衫健身的女人，她里面显然是穿着黄色的内衣裤。
进入我脑海的第一个疑问是：我认识的女人里，有谁会在里面穿着黄得发亮的内裤沿着街道慢跑呢？
我的第二个疑问是：我会购买一本用一个穿着迷你弹力裤的男人做封面的杂志吗？不会，除非那是一本漫画，并且封面上的那个男人刚好是某位超级英雄人物——但即使真是这样，他也定是穿着一条体面的红色紧身裤衬底。
怪象3：男人穿宽松的衣服，并且不在意自己的体重。女人穿紧身衣服，并且极其在乎自己的体重。
我得说明我很胖，体形已经走样了，宽松的衣服让我感觉舒适。紧身的衣服迫使我挺胸收腹，并且只能维持三分钟。几个月前，我需要买一些新的T恤，贝瑟尼在沃尔玛给我买了一袋，但它们都比我平常穿的要小一号。在一个女人看来，它们很合身——T恤本来就该凸显体形，我妻子这么认为。当我试穿其中一件时，我看上去就像是青年版的霍默·辛普森老爸试图装扮成穿着性感的少年男子乐队成员。如果我曾被迫要穿那么紧身的T恤出门，我定会寻找最近的电话亭，绝望地拨打Ab Cruncher 产品宣传片上的订购电话1-800。
这就是为什么我难以理解大多数女人穿紧身衣的原因。谢天谢地，我妻子和我的基本观点一致。她说几年前，她就意识到当她穿紧身的衣服时，总会觉得不自在。如今，她穿衣服时都会测试一下：如果她知道自己将要不停地把衣服往下扯，又或者不停地把领口往上提，她就会选择穿一些舒适一点的衣服。
怪象4：比起男人，女人对于自己的体形更敏感，但她们会穿更暴露的泳衣。
当我去买一件泳衣时，我关注三个方面：（1）宽松，（2）能大面积地遮盖大腿，（3）颜色不显眼，不容易让人留意到我苍白的皮肤。在沙滩上，我的目标就是尽可能地和沙子混为一体。
然而一般女人上街买泳衣，她会关注相反的方面：（1）紧身，（2）尽可能地暴露，（3）颜色夺目。
我就此截断已经探究甚深的思路，留给读者你们自己去思考这些怪异却真实的现象吧。诚然，远远不止我列举的这些古怪的现象。比如说到女人和鞋子的关系，那就至少需要有另一篇专文来介绍（为什么我有2双鞋而我妻子有7双？）。最好趁早打住。
我也到了该再去除草的时候了。
注：本文中所涉及到的图表、注解、公式等内容请以PDF格式阅读原文。