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《知晓我姓名》译后感
2019年12月初的一天，大学师妹杨沁联系我，询问是否有意向翻译《知晓我姓名》一书，翻译时间只给三个月，而出版社希望找一位能对作品“感同身受”的女性译者来承担这项工作。我看过样稿和资料之后就接下了这一任务。如今转眼已一年过去，年轻的作家香奈儿·米勒——张小夏的这部在美国获得盛誉的回忆录，在中国面世以来也受到了读者与媒体的大量关注与好评，还以高分登上“2020豆瓣年度读书榜单”。虽然中文版的翻译不免瑕疵，但身为译者的我总算“不辱使命”，这篇短文将从本书译者的角度，谈几点感想体会。
难写、难读与难译
小夏说，写作是她与世界相处的方式。从2015年1月17日案件发生，历经漫长的审判，直至2018年8月案犯的上诉被驳回，终身被登记注册为性侵罪犯，本案才算真正尘埃落定。时间过去近四年，在好不容易从案件中挣脱出来之后，她又选择潜入其中，倒退到起点，用笔剖开旧伤，用文字弥合裂缝，重建生活，开始写作。
其中的艰难不言而喻。这是一部难得的以性侵案受害者第一人称展开的回忆录。如果您去阅读英文原著，会发现作者在语言表达上，使用大量短句，尤其是无主语句，往往一个词、两个词、三个词就是一句。
我的感受是：语句的形态源于表达者当时的状态。当一个人要诉说自己受侵犯的经历，事件发生后第一时间的震惊错愕、思绪混乱，随后向亲近之人告知此事的彷徨犹疑，多次前往警局录笔录、多次出庭作证受质询，沉重而绝望的创伤体验的反反复复来袭，案件结束后仍然需要面对的以年为单位的疗愈历程。
恐慌、易激惹、空虚感、忐忑不安、小心翼翼、无法集中注意力，在相当一段时间内都将是情绪的常态。我不知道复杂优雅流畅的长句是否能够真切地传达创伤亲历者的所感与所思。因此，在翻译时恪守的原则是尽量接近作者的文体特征，不求信达雅，尽量仿照其句式，在可理解的基础上不增加也不减少标点，以保留原文情绪与气息的传达。小夏是一边翻阅案卷资料，一边回忆，一边写下这本书的。
她回顾了整个案件的始末，记录下少为大众所见的诸多细节。有网友评论：“这本书好在，从来不曾有一本书把性侵发生后的细节展露得如此巨细无遗……张小夏近乎强迫症一般记录了创伤后每一个微小的细节、表情、情绪和反应，以及面对性侵时当事人们的混乱和迷惘，我读的所有性侵相关的研究和档案都无法取代这种宝贵的真实。”
小夏笔下拥抱和保护的真实可能会带来阅读的陌生体验和阻滞感。不少读者在谈到自己读这本书的感受时，会觉得这本书难读在难以一读到底，随着作者叙述的推进，读者被激起的诸种情绪充塞胸中，只能把书放一放，待情绪平复再读下去。如果说作品中溢出的愤怒、哀伤、悲痛、绝望等诸种情绪形成的阅读障碍如此影响到读者，那么译者在翻译的过程中所体会到的本书的难译之处，恐怕也正在于此。由叙述带来的情绪压力使译者不得不时常打断工作进程。同时，译稿初稿是在2020年2月间完成的，正好是国内新冠疫情最为严重的一段时间，译书期间足不出户，内外交困。本书的翻译里保存了一段特殊的时光。
在张小夏的受害者陈述广为流传之后，曾有别有用心之人认为那是篇代笔之作。她毫不客气地指出：“他们真正想说的是，受害者不会写作。”为什么受害者不会写作？是谁、是什么在抑止女性受害者的写作？文化中与女性性经验、性创伤捆绑在一起的深刻羞耻感是写作者、读者、译者需要直面和反思的对象。
守柔曰强：写作、疗愈和战斗
小夏写道：“我活了下来，因为我守柔，因为我倾听，因为我写作。”当小夏的文字进入冷静思考的节奏，不时让我感到中国文化尤其是老子思想在她身上隐约的影响的闪现。“守柔”是老子的语汇。《道德经》中说：“见小曰明，守柔曰强。”“胜人者有力，自胜者强”，能够战胜心中巨大阴影者，当然是“勇者”。
夫慈故能勇。小夏说：“我写作是为了站在受害者的苦难旁边。”她的写作的难得之处在于远超出对个人痛苦的书写，而是以一种写作者的自觉意识和宽阔胸怀，将目光关注到受害者和受偏见者整体。决心要写出真相的她发现：“当我把丑陋和痛苦的部分写进一份陈述时，一件不可思议的事情发生了。世界并没有堵住它的耳朵，而是向我敞开了自己。”
《知晓我姓名》的开篇第一句话说：“我很害羞”。而这么一位害羞的华裔女孩，却选择了公开自己的姓名。她说：“决定使用我的名字，意味着我必须学会大声说出我的故事。”公开姓名更是为了找回属于自己的声音。一名女性幸存者公开姓名，写下一部笔触细密、真实动人的自传记录，使自己的故事成为了一种可分享的抚慰，其大无畏、大勇猛、大刚强与大智慧，需要被看到。
知雄守雌，知白守黑，知荣守辱。这段“出生入死”的经历亦如小夏在书中多次写到的潜水，最后从最幽暗处升腾浮出水面重新呼吸，在内心中完成转化，再造复命，脱胎换骨。一切过往皆成就今日之我，今日之我需配得上过往的经验，使之熔化铸造出新我。正如她在一次节目访谈中所言：“毋庸置疑，你是无与伦比的，你是美丽的，有价值的，值得尊重的，不可否认，每一天的每一分钟，你都是强大的，没有人能把这一切从你身上夺走。”其书英文初版的蓝绿色封面上的金色纹路，代表日本的金缮修复术，用金粉和漆粉来修补破碎的陶器，而不是把破损的地方当作瑕疵来掩盖——虽然一件物品无法回到原有的模样，但碎片可以再次拼起，甚至更新为一件艺术品。
重新拼凑起小夏生活的金粉，便是书中另一种丰富的细节，源于真实的日常生活世界中饱含安全、快乐、自由、爱和友善的无数细节。
小夏用饱含温情与珍惜的笔墨把这些人生片段收藏在优美无比的段落里：那些父母、姐妹、恋人和朋友们的无条件看见与陪伴、來自世界各地的信件和明信片、志愿者老夫妇的支持、自己画的小小自行车和制作的版画作品、父亲咨询室里的鱼缸，还有路边同座老人递过来的一片甜椒、海底世界的各种奇妙生灵……正是这些金粉将一个受伤者的疗愈能力和创造动能激发出来，创造出超出自己原本想象之外的生活。 （感謝旅美作家张慈提供部分素材图片）
Know Zhang Xiaoxia through Translation
Yang Xin， a schoolmate now working as an editor at a publishing house in Shanghai， contacted me in early December 2019 and asked me if I would like to translate Zhang Xiaoxia aka Chanel Miller’s Know My Name into Chinese within three months.
She said the publisher wanted a woman translator of empathy to do the job. After reading the book sample and reference files that came with the sample， I took the assignment. A year has elapsed.
The Chinese edition of the memoir， published in August 2020， ranked high at the year-end booklist issued in December 2020 by Douban， the most popular ranking website in China. Though the translation contains some defects， I feel proud that I have done the translation.
In my heart， the name of author is Zhang Xiaoxia due to her Chinese ancestral roots， even though she wants the world to know her as Chanel Miller.
Zhang Xiaoxia said writing is the way she copes with the world. Her nightmare occurred on January 17， 2015. After a long trial and appeal， the case ended in August 2018. Turner Brock was found guilty of three serious felonies and identified as a lifetime sex registrant. Then she decided to go back to the nightmare and wrote it out in full.
It goes without saying that the experience of writing and going through the tribulations again and again was hard， to say the least. In the memoir， Chanel Miller uses the first person perspective to shed light on her trauma. If you read the book in English， you run into quite a few incomplete sentences. The truncated sentences of one word， two words， or three words vividly delineate what the victim went through： shock， confusion， fear， hollowness， anguish， depression， inability to focus， etc.
She was in a distressed mental state for a long time， unable to feel normal. In translating， I doubted long complete sentences in Chinese could recreate the same tension and urgency， reinforces what’s being said and make the same impact. I decided to hold fast to the original style， imitating it down to punctuation marks.
The book presents raw facts and speak out candidly， making some readers feel suffocated in reading. Some readers say that they failed to go through the book at one sitting. They had to put the book down to take a deep breath so that they could dismiss rage， despair， grief， sadness that occurred in reading so that they could pick up the book again. If readers go through all these feelings， I as a translator experienced the same feelings more sharply. As the translator， I could feel the Chinese element in Xiaoxia’s writing. For example， “I survived because I remained soft， because I listened， because I wrote，” she wrote in the book. “Remaining soft” resembles an ancient Chinese concept promoted by Laozi， a philosopher of 2，500 years ago， in his timeless work Tao Te Ching.
What the ancient sage says can be paraphrased as follows： “The perception of what is small is the secret of clear-sightedness; the guarding of what is soft and tender is the secret of strength.”
I admire Xiaoxia’s courage. What she wrote about is far more than her personal sufferings. With the insight and heart of a writer， she spoke out for those who are crushingly victimized and prejudiced. Her book presents her bravery and wisdom， which should be made known to the world.
I admire Xiaoxia’s fighting spirit. She fought Turner Brock， wanting him to be punished for his heinous sexual assault， and wanting the world to know such sexual offenders should pay for what they do. But her kindness and humanity can be read between lines. She wrote in the book， “I wanted accountability and punishment， but I also hoped he was getting better. I didn’t fight to end him， I fought to convert him to my side. I wanted him to understand， to acknowledge the harm his actions had caused and reform himself.”
I understand Xiaoxia’s fight was meant to enable herself to face the world and herself now and in the future. I hope the book I translated can let Xiaoxia’s name be known to more people in the world， and urge people to more relentlessly fight those who dare to harass and assault women sexually.
2019年12月初的一天，大学师妹杨沁联系我，询问是否有意向翻译《知晓我姓名》一书，翻译时间只给三个月，而出版社希望找一位能对作品“感同身受”的女性译者来承担这项工作。我看过样稿和资料之后就接下了这一任务。如今转眼已一年过去，年轻的作家香奈儿·米勒——张小夏的这部在美国获得盛誉的回忆录，在中国面世以来也受到了读者与媒体的大量关注与好评，还以高分登上“2020豆瓣年度读书榜单”。虽然中文版的翻译不免瑕疵，但身为译者的我总算“不辱使命”，这篇短文将从本书译者的角度，谈几点感想体会。
难写、难读与难译
小夏说，写作是她与世界相处的方式。从2015年1月17日案件发生，历经漫长的审判，直至2018年8月案犯的上诉被驳回，终身被登记注册为性侵罪犯，本案才算真正尘埃落定。时间过去近四年，在好不容易从案件中挣脱出来之后，她又选择潜入其中，倒退到起点，用笔剖开旧伤，用文字弥合裂缝，重建生活，开始写作。
其中的艰难不言而喻。这是一部难得的以性侵案受害者第一人称展开的回忆录。如果您去阅读英文原著，会发现作者在语言表达上，使用大量短句，尤其是无主语句，往往一个词、两个词、三个词就是一句。
我的感受是：语句的形态源于表达者当时的状态。当一个人要诉说自己受侵犯的经历，事件发生后第一时间的震惊错愕、思绪混乱，随后向亲近之人告知此事的彷徨犹疑，多次前往警局录笔录、多次出庭作证受质询，沉重而绝望的创伤体验的反反复复来袭，案件结束后仍然需要面对的以年为单位的疗愈历程。
恐慌、易激惹、空虚感、忐忑不安、小心翼翼、无法集中注意力，在相当一段时间内都将是情绪的常态。我不知道复杂优雅流畅的长句是否能够真切地传达创伤亲历者的所感与所思。因此，在翻译时恪守的原则是尽量接近作者的文体特征，不求信达雅，尽量仿照其句式，在可理解的基础上不增加也不减少标点，以保留原文情绪与气息的传达。小夏是一边翻阅案卷资料，一边回忆，一边写下这本书的。
她回顾了整个案件的始末，记录下少为大众所见的诸多细节。有网友评论：“这本书好在，从来不曾有一本书把性侵发生后的细节展露得如此巨细无遗……张小夏近乎强迫症一般记录了创伤后每一个微小的细节、表情、情绪和反应，以及面对性侵时当事人们的混乱和迷惘，我读的所有性侵相关的研究和档案都无法取代这种宝贵的真实。”
小夏笔下拥抱和保护的真实可能会带来阅读的陌生体验和阻滞感。不少读者在谈到自己读这本书的感受时，会觉得这本书难读在难以一读到底，随着作者叙述的推进，读者被激起的诸种情绪充塞胸中，只能把书放一放，待情绪平复再读下去。如果说作品中溢出的愤怒、哀伤、悲痛、绝望等诸种情绪形成的阅读障碍如此影响到读者，那么译者在翻译的过程中所体会到的本书的难译之处，恐怕也正在于此。由叙述带来的情绪压力使译者不得不时常打断工作进程。同时，译稿初稿是在2020年2月间完成的，正好是国内新冠疫情最为严重的一段时间，译书期间足不出户，内外交困。本书的翻译里保存了一段特殊的时光。
在张小夏的受害者陈述广为流传之后，曾有别有用心之人认为那是篇代笔之作。她毫不客气地指出：“他们真正想说的是，受害者不会写作。”为什么受害者不会写作？是谁、是什么在抑止女性受害者的写作？文化中与女性性经验、性创伤捆绑在一起的深刻羞耻感是写作者、读者、译者需要直面和反思的对象。
守柔曰强：写作、疗愈和战斗
小夏写道：“我活了下来，因为我守柔，因为我倾听，因为我写作。”当小夏的文字进入冷静思考的节奏，不时让我感到中国文化尤其是老子思想在她身上隐约的影响的闪现。“守柔”是老子的语汇。《道德经》中说：“见小曰明，守柔曰强。”“胜人者有力，自胜者强”，能够战胜心中巨大阴影者，当然是“勇者”。
夫慈故能勇。小夏说：“我写作是为了站在受害者的苦难旁边。”她的写作的难得之处在于远超出对个人痛苦的书写，而是以一种写作者的自觉意识和宽阔胸怀，将目光关注到受害者和受偏见者整体。决心要写出真相的她发现：“当我把丑陋和痛苦的部分写进一份陈述时，一件不可思议的事情发生了。世界并没有堵住它的耳朵，而是向我敞开了自己。”
《知晓我姓名》的开篇第一句话说：“我很害羞”。而这么一位害羞的华裔女孩，却选择了公开自己的姓名。她说：“决定使用我的名字，意味着我必须学会大声说出我的故事。”公开姓名更是为了找回属于自己的声音。一名女性幸存者公开姓名，写下一部笔触细密、真实动人的自传记录，使自己的故事成为了一种可分享的抚慰，其大无畏、大勇猛、大刚强与大智慧，需要被看到。
知雄守雌，知白守黑，知荣守辱。这段“出生入死”的经历亦如小夏在书中多次写到的潜水，最后从最幽暗处升腾浮出水面重新呼吸，在内心中完成转化，再造复命，脱胎换骨。一切过往皆成就今日之我，今日之我需配得上过往的经验，使之熔化铸造出新我。正如她在一次节目访谈中所言：“毋庸置疑，你是无与伦比的，你是美丽的，有价值的，值得尊重的，不可否认，每一天的每一分钟，你都是强大的，没有人能把这一切从你身上夺走。”其书英文初版的蓝绿色封面上的金色纹路，代表日本的金缮修复术，用金粉和漆粉来修补破碎的陶器，而不是把破损的地方当作瑕疵来掩盖——虽然一件物品无法回到原有的模样，但碎片可以再次拼起，甚至更新为一件艺术品。
重新拼凑起小夏生活的金粉，便是书中另一种丰富的细节，源于真实的日常生活世界中饱含安全、快乐、自由、爱和友善的无数细节。
小夏用饱含温情与珍惜的笔墨把这些人生片段收藏在优美无比的段落里：那些父母、姐妹、恋人和朋友们的无条件看见与陪伴、來自世界各地的信件和明信片、志愿者老夫妇的支持、自己画的小小自行车和制作的版画作品、父亲咨询室里的鱼缸，还有路边同座老人递过来的一片甜椒、海底世界的各种奇妙生灵……正是这些金粉将一个受伤者的疗愈能力和创造动能激发出来，创造出超出自己原本想象之外的生活。 （感謝旅美作家张慈提供部分素材图片）
Know Zhang Xiaoxia through Translation
Yang Xin， a schoolmate now working as an editor at a publishing house in Shanghai， contacted me in early December 2019 and asked me if I would like to translate Zhang Xiaoxia aka Chanel Miller’s Know My Name into Chinese within three months.
She said the publisher wanted a woman translator of empathy to do the job. After reading the book sample and reference files that came with the sample， I took the assignment. A year has elapsed.
The Chinese edition of the memoir， published in August 2020， ranked high at the year-end booklist issued in December 2020 by Douban， the most popular ranking website in China. Though the translation contains some defects， I feel proud that I have done the translation.
In my heart， the name of author is Zhang Xiaoxia due to her Chinese ancestral roots， even though she wants the world to know her as Chanel Miller.
Zhang Xiaoxia said writing is the way she copes with the world. Her nightmare occurred on January 17， 2015. After a long trial and appeal， the case ended in August 2018. Turner Brock was found guilty of three serious felonies and identified as a lifetime sex registrant. Then she decided to go back to the nightmare and wrote it out in full.
It goes without saying that the experience of writing and going through the tribulations again and again was hard， to say the least. In the memoir， Chanel Miller uses the first person perspective to shed light on her trauma. If you read the book in English， you run into quite a few incomplete sentences. The truncated sentences of one word， two words， or three words vividly delineate what the victim went through： shock， confusion， fear， hollowness， anguish， depression， inability to focus， etc.
She was in a distressed mental state for a long time， unable to feel normal. In translating， I doubted long complete sentences in Chinese could recreate the same tension and urgency， reinforces what’s being said and make the same impact. I decided to hold fast to the original style， imitating it down to punctuation marks.
The book presents raw facts and speak out candidly， making some readers feel suffocated in reading. Some readers say that they failed to go through the book at one sitting. They had to put the book down to take a deep breath so that they could dismiss rage， despair， grief， sadness that occurred in reading so that they could pick up the book again. If readers go through all these feelings， I as a translator experienced the same feelings more sharply. As the translator， I could feel the Chinese element in Xiaoxia’s writing. For example， “I survived because I remained soft， because I listened， because I wrote，” she wrote in the book. “Remaining soft” resembles an ancient Chinese concept promoted by Laozi， a philosopher of 2，500 years ago， in his timeless work Tao Te Ching.
What the ancient sage says can be paraphrased as follows： “The perception of what is small is the secret of clear-sightedness; the guarding of what is soft and tender is the secret of strength.”
I admire Xiaoxia’s courage. What she wrote about is far more than her personal sufferings. With the insight and heart of a writer， she spoke out for those who are crushingly victimized and prejudiced. Her book presents her bravery and wisdom， which should be made known to the world.
I admire Xiaoxia’s fighting spirit. She fought Turner Brock， wanting him to be punished for his heinous sexual assault， and wanting the world to know such sexual offenders should pay for what they do. But her kindness and humanity can be read between lines. She wrote in the book， “I wanted accountability and punishment， but I also hoped he was getting better. I didn’t fight to end him， I fought to convert him to my side. I wanted him to understand， to acknowledge the harm his actions had caused and reform himself.”
I understand Xiaoxia’s fight was meant to enable herself to face the world and herself now and in the future. I hope the book I translated can let Xiaoxia’s name be known to more people in the world， and urge people to more relentlessly fight those who dare to harass and assault women sexually.