习作点评

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  “成功”是一个耀眼的词,无时无刻闪耀着金光。那么,怎样才能成功呢?唯有坚持不懈才会成功。
  请根据以下提示,结合你在生活中的事例,用英语写一篇短文,谈谈坚持对于成功的重要性。
  Having learnt about many great scientists, we can’t help wondering what it was that made them successful. Among many factors, the most important is that no one can succeed or achieve their goals without continuous persistence.
  注意:
  ①无须写标题,不得照抄英语提示语;
  ②除诗歌外,文体不限;
  ③内容必须结合你生活中的一个事例;
  ④词数为120左右。
  点拨 根据题意,本文应是一篇夹叙夹议的文章,记叙部分要求学生以身边的一个事例来说明“持之以恒”的重要性。议论部分提出的观点须切合学生实际,能使人受到启迪。叙事部分应当以过去时态为主,议论部分表达的是作者的观点,应以现在时态为主。
  文章首先应当简要概述一下本文的写作主题,引出下文,然后根据文章的要求,重点放在叙事上,列举一个在学习生活中“持之以恒”的事例。最后的议论部分为文章的点晴之笔,表明作者的观点,做到观点简明、积极、健康、向上。
  习作一
  There is an old Chinese saying, constant dripping wears away a stone. As we all know, no one can achieve their dreams without persistence.
  Last year, I went to climb a mountain with my parents. At the beginning of the trip, I was excited and confident. I thought I would be the first one who arrived at the top of the mountain. With time went by, I became tired and thirsty. I was desperate to have a rest, but I didn’t. I kept my feet walk toward the top. Finally I reached the top. I was fascinated by the beauty of the rolling hills. I was satisfied with my persistence. If I had given up halfway, I wouldn’t have seen such a splendor view.
  I learned a lot from my experience. Only if we keep working hard can we gain a great success. We would have a wonderful beauty of life with our persistence.
  高二(13)班 林 枫
  解析 这是一篇中档作文。
  优点 (1)本文语言表达基本流畅,叙事具体,选取的事例能很好地证明自己的观点。在首段作者恰到好处地使用一句谚语“Constant dripping wears away a stone”引出文章的主题;文章的结尾也很简练。好的开头和结尾往往能给读者留下很深的印象。
  (2)作者运用了一些高级词汇和短语, 如: desperate,fascinate,splendor, achieve their dreams,give up等,使文章语言比较丰富。
  (3)作者尝试运用了一些不同的、较复杂的句子结构。如:
  ... no one can achieve their dreams without persistence. (双重否定表肯定)
  I thought I would be the first one who ... (定语从句)
  If I had given up halfway, I wouldn’t have seen ... (虚拟语气)
  Only if we keep hard working can we ... (倒装结构)
  不足 (1)有些地方用词不够准确、语法方面有些不足导致句子结构出现一些错误。如:
  There is an old Chinese saying, constant dripping wears away a stone. 应改成:There is an old Chinese saying that constant dripping wears away a stone.
  With time went by ... 应改成:with time going by或time went by ...
  I kept my feet walk ...应改成:I kept walking ...,以避免汉语式的表达。
  (2)文中非谓语动词的使用较少。如:... I was excited and confident. I thought I would be the first one ... 这句话,我们不妨将两句合并成一句:... I was excited and confident, considering/believing/convinced I would be the first one ... 适当使用非谓语动词,可以使句子显得简洁、平衡、高档。   又如:I was fascinated by the beauty of the rolling hills. I was satisfied with my persistence.不妨改成:Fascinated by the beauty of the rolling hills, I couldn’t help applauding my persistence.
  习作二
  For many, success is a point where they only have the slightest possibilities to reach. For many, success comes without such oral promise that “We should work hard.” What matters is our persistence.
  I want to share my personal experience with you. Being poor in math had always been my big barrier. When I was in grade nine, my teacher told me to spend more time on math than other subjects. I followed his advice, however, it didn’t turn out to be effective, my terrible marks upset me. At that time, my mother convinced me that I should never give up. So I held on and did math papers every day without complaining any more. It was my persistence like this that eventually led me to studying math well.
  For this reason, I’m fully convinced that one can get over anything as long as he owns persistence, which is bound to contribute to final success.
  高二(13)班 金 曲
  解析 这是一篇高分作文。
  优点 本文行文流畅; 语言得体;表意连贯; 很有条理。开头和结尾都很简洁,但是却能恰到好处地使用复杂的句式结构,让文章“闪亮”起来,给阅卷老师留下深刻的印象。
  文中使用的词汇极为丰富、准确。如:slight, share, barrier, upset, convince, eventually, follow his advice, turn out, hold on, as long as, is bound to, contribute to等。不难看出,该生具有较好的语言基础知识和语言运用能力。
  该生尝试使用了较多的、较复杂的句式结构。如:
  ... success is a point where they ... (定语从句)
  ... what matters is our persistence. (名词性从句)
  Being poor in math ... (动名词作主语)
  ... without complaining any more ... (动名词作介词宾语)
  It was my persistence like this that eventually led ... (强调句型)
  ... as long as he owns persistence, which is bound to ... (状语从句、定语从句)
  范文:
  In our everyday life there are always varieties of challenges. We may reach a point where we get extremely tired and even want to give up. It’s not wise enough to give up our hopes; instead, we are supposed to face the challenges bravely, for perseverance means victory!
  “Constant dripping wears away a stone.” This saying shows the importance of perseverance. I have found in my experience that only through hard work can we succeed. There was a time when I was in low spirits and felt the urge to give up studying. Realizing my problem, my English teacher came to my assistance, saying “I believe you are a most excellent girl and if you persist, you will make it!” Encouraged by his words, I continued to work hard, overcoming all the difficulties. Eventually my efforts have paid off.
  I’m firmly convinced if we stick to our faith and make continuous efforts, we are bound to succeed. Therefore whenever it is, just keep in mind that he wins who persists.
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